Sunday, June 14, 2015

THE one and ONLY middle age crisis!

Okay, think of any middle age man… someone you know would be good. And we’re going to be talking more about ‘middle age’ definitions later so assume to the best of your understanding for now. 

Now offer this gentleman the once in a lifetime opportunity to select one of the following miracles that would come true instantaneously at no cost nor hidden conditions:
  1. Get to lay the most passionate fantasy girl he may want to – say multiple times!
  2. Get a set of fancy wheels that he may have been dreaming about since he was a kid. 
  3. Have the most ultimate Playstation/Xbox set complemented with a 200 inch screen of his choice
  4. Magically get a head full of real hair – dense, homogenous, distributed from the fringes of the temple, to the ‘right’ forehead starting point, all the way up to the elusive top-of-the-mound. Dark. Black perhaps. Growing at a standard healthy rate. Tough enough to withstand experimentations and persistently forgiving enough to allow for various styles and fashions. Immune to running-your-hands-through-it in any direction with any frequency. Challenging for a fine-toothed comb, but resistant enough to leave nothing on the comb itself. 

In a scientifically conducted* survey it has been established that 184% of males chose the fourth option. Only because in such a survey these middle aged men just kept on and on and on clicking on option #4 fervently as though it was a Xiaomi Phone flash sale in India and convinced that clicking harder and multiple times would get them there. The fantasy girl would have had to go back home alone in a Ferrari carrying her Xbox 360 with her!

Yes, for men, middle age is when the hair doesn’t just start to go, but has made considerable progress towards that objective and also made its intentions of leaving you for good substantially clear! All while you were busy enjoying your pre middle age years! From the teens and early twenties –when all male group discussions are about women – to the late twenties and early thirties – when it’s work/money/technology (and how work/money/technology can get more women, of course) – to the ‘later’ years when it’s certain that pate comparisons are going to dominate male bonding discussions (and how money/technology can help get more hair which perhaps can still get some random women). 

Get-hirsute-quick schemes are the only ones more common on the internet than the get-rich-quick ones. And actually the get-hirsute-quick schemes ARE in fact get-rich-quick schemes for those peddling these scams, seeing that men are willing to rub anything from distilled water packaged in vials labeled ‘Secret Potion’ to ‘Simple Household Remedies’ involving castor oil, olive oil, honey, curd, and lemon when used with a magic ‘Secret Chant’ to be chanted four times a day with a milk soaked muslin cloth over one’s head (hair growing chants now available at a special price of $99 only for one month!)  

Women have it so much more easier. There are no hypocritical changing standards as they are consistently concerned about their looks right from the age they start blabbering their first words (invariably ‘I want red hair-clips and a pink skirt’). There is never a hint of graying hair as the very first shadow of a grey is vehemently attacked and soaked, coated, painted or camouflaged into black (or appropriate). A chance bystander strand of wool from a cap/scarf caught in the locks can be unwittingly re-colored just to be safe! And bald spots? Nah!!  

I’m proud to be middle age. Or proud of the fact that being proud of being middle aged is the only sensible option along with avoiding a mirror or any remotely reflective surface altogether. I’m also an avid follower of those enticing folklores that attribute money/wisdom/sexiness to various patterns of male balding and revel in the knowledge that soon I’m going to be all three given the observed trend on top of my head!! 

But hey, if those four options above open up anytime soon, just holler out to me anyway!

*under controlled test conditions with 
adequately desperate middle aged men

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